easy on the eyes

i need a storage bin for my wiped out soul

my dirty, spinning mind has tumbled out of control

i've been waiting for it to hit me:

i want this. i want to be better.

but the ball swings toward my face 

and then quickly

drops away

you were the flash of sun, burning hot

gristle

strong arms, weak in the knees

now i'm left alone 

and i want it to hit me

who the fuck am i?

i thought i knew

but i realized somehow that i defined myself with you

lay me down & don't give in

you whispered, cat

we would lay there with a blanket

and nothing else mattered

it's all dust 

silt on life's gleaming dashboard

you thought yourself out

with tumbling words 

shitfaced excuses

all week,

i thought about

you

you

made me feel beautiful

now i am ugly and alone

maybe you think you can find

another me

another girl who will stroke 

your smooth chest,

and make you smile when you couldn't 

dream of it

meet another girl who sends you love poems,

who writes notes to you,

another girl who loves you 

so unconditionally

who wants to make you happy

make things work. 

maybe you're right,

but i've never met a girl like that

except one

i don't know who i can talk to now

7:o4 am

what a shit time to be awake

my eyes are puffy 

cramping up

shaking hands

don't want to eat

tears filling my eyes

i can't get anything out of this yet

"the coming of christ" or "american idol is on"

i am inside the lone

moment

of silence

nonchalant noise from other hotel rooms

dim lights, stripped bare

here on the edge of my seat

i am finally alone

american idle

family leans in to 

watch

to 

believe

as blood pumps through my veins,

the world is slowly turning

more than anything in the world

thursday

seems like a leap year day that never comes

here we are,

and i'm telling you, i haven't felt like this

for two years

i haven't felt like this,

maybe, 

ever in my life

to be honest, with you

we wasted 

this world

like cigarette 

smoke wasted

smooth

family 

pearls

and this living room with a tv set

is full of wasted potential

and eventual regret

your bedroom lamp is out

the light is gone 

but it really never shined that bright to begin with,

to be honest

we will think about the days gone by, 

where the sun never went down

don't know why

and the moon set the standard for the shining stars

but we forgot our own standards 

where are we now?

limbo

i guess we can't wait

no point in hesitation

well behaved actions aren't actions at all

and you rarely hear people

who got nothin to say

this is what a feminist looks like

she's haunted
haunted by the girl she wishes she could be
you might know her
she's as alive as a barbie
her cold bony skeleton envies skinny men, skinny women
trapped inside her body like it's a guantanamo prison
watching blank thin faces, washing tears from her cheek
knowing no one will listen if she bothers to speak
she likes to think that feminism is coming back
and winding pro-choice women's prophecies into pop culture
digital crap
she likes to think that one day
she won't be a symbol for sex
and that men and women themselves
will realize she's complex

PASSIONATE!!!

after one of our rough nights,

i lay awake and think how much happier we would be

if we'd cuddled and watched a movie

i wouldn't trade any of it, that used plastic

that you rolled on to keep me safe

second to turning my head 

in those moments

and looking into your 

sleepy 

eyes

i don't want to get hurt

i'm delirious

i can't tell where i'll be in a year,

and i'm scared

tell me

you'll always be there for me

that is bleak

monday morning

gray

silence

whispers in your

ear

feel it down your 

back

prickling skin

dry tongue 

only the poets 

prod the day with the whites 

of their eyes

(unstained, cherry red)

the rest mutter

faithlessly 

and settle back into the gloom

tender in its place

i'm gonna lay it out for you

i'll push the corners neatly into place as i explain

how i tear myself apart

so scared to say i need you

when tears keep sliding down,

down the corners of my eyes

i washed my hair for you

wore lace thongs

sprayed perfume on the nape of my neck,

tenderly spread strawberry chapstick over my lips,

curled the blonde lashes that hold tears like a ladder,

like i'm waxing poetic

and then, it all seems to go to shit

i realize that none of that matters when

i don't matter

no scintillating, orderly routine can make me

good enough

no powder

no rose sparkles spread on my cheeks

there are a million ways to comfort yourself

but they only last until you say,

what do you want from me?

and i can't supply an answer

except to say,

love. replacement.