i'll push the corners neatly into place as i explain
how i tear myself apart
so scared to say i need you
when tears keep sliding down,
down the corners of my eyes
i washed my hair for you
wore lace thongs
sprayed perfume on the nape of my neck,
tenderly spread strawberry chapstick over my lips,
curled the blonde lashes that hold tears like a ladder,
like i'm waxing poetic
and then, it all seems to go to shit
i realize that none of that matters when
i don't matter
no scintillating, orderly routine can make me
good enough
no powder
no rose sparkles spread on my cheeks
there are a million ways to comfort yourself
but they only last until you say,
what do you want from me?
and i can't supply an answer
except to say,
love. replacement.
2 comments:
Last night when we were texting I wanted to help you really bad but I had no idea how I could since I couldn't actually be with you. I was frustrated that I couldn't understand why you were so upset and also because I was driving and trying to text at the same time. I'm sorry about how that went, I didn't mean to make you cry. And I really appreciate the things you do to make yourself more pretty but ya even if you didn't do all that I'd still love you just as much, haha. BUt ya the last thing I want is for you to be scared to say you need me. Cos everyone needs love, and sometimes there's only one person who can provide the right kind. I'm not used to being needed, that's all. It tears me up inside when you text me saying you need me and I can't do anything except text back cos I'm stuck at work or something.
It wasn't you who made me cry! No, i just started thinking about how i don't feel like i'm good enough. whevever i say that people say "oh, no you're good at clarinet, and writing, and etc". but i'm not good ENOUGH. i'm not perfect, and sometimes i just have to admit it and give up for a little while, stop pretending i'm perfect.
i was trying to ellude to how upset i was, but i didn't want to admit it, i guess... so finally i did and i just told you how much i needed you there. it helped me just saying that. you did what you could, cause you had a friend over and you couldnt come to me. just knowing that you cared and wanted to give me a hug was really all i needed at the moment, knowing you were busy.
also, i don't know why, but something about being the third wheel with haeley and pj just made me really sad. i was at the mall and i was just depressed realizing that material things can't make me like myself much more, or make me good enough. that's where that part comes from.
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