Tonight was amazing... and not amazing in a completely good way, just amazing because I realized things about myself I never even thought of before... The thing is, what if you had a refuge from that one thing about yourself you absolutely hated? The one thing that tears you up inside. If you could forget, I'm positive you would jump at the chance. And I'm not sure who you are, reader, but if you're anything like me, you would become obsessed with this because you feel like it frees you...
Well... the thing that frees me is knowing someone cares about me. And actually, no, not in a completely cliche way... I actually like knowing that someone who I think is beautiful thinks I'm just as beautiful too. And that gives me an opportunity to share some of my favorite lyrics:
"I want to write something beautiful,
Something so beautiful that I just can't sing it
Cause its the only thing I have, it's the only thing that makes my life worthwhile.
So I was watching your eyes, in case they just might say something...
I want to think someone's beautiful,
That they're so beautiful it's a thrill to be near them,
fill my stomach with butterflies, have me floating on air,
Bring something out of me I didn't even know was there
But it's such a torturous thing, that I am not excited by anyone."
That's exactly how I feel in so many ways.... there have been so many times where I've talked to someone I thought was beautiful- perhaps on the inside, perhaps on the outside- and then I have realized that this person did not shake my heart. They didn't fill me with that passion- maybe even because of a few things they said.
But... I want to share some things with you reader... right now I'm with this guy... and I'm almost too excited. I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm going to completely destruct this, even though this guy is the only boyfriend who has made me feel less broken in a long, long time. I don't know him perfectly, I guess... but that's one of the things that makes me so excited. I want put your troubles in a little pile, and sort them out for you. I want to make you feel real. All the time, even when you might not be thinking about me, guy. And... I will adjust to all these things we talk about, because I care about you. And I think I love you. Scoffing? I hope not... but if you are, here's a Chuck Klosterman quote I think about a lot:
"We all have to potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy.... THere are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. There is always one person you love who becomes that definition, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. They are not inherently different from anyone else, and they're often just the person you meet when you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
~Chuck Klosterman
Klosterman always makes me wonder if I really love the people I love, or if I just love them because they're there. Some of these people are not "inherently different". But... this guy is different. It's not hard to explain why... it's not because of his sweetness, or sense of humor, or really any of those things. It's because my heart is shaken when I read those poems he writes... my heart is completely shaken. And I just want to talk and find out everything about him because of it. I just want to know that he's ok, even if he's angry at me, or doesn't want to talk to me at the moment. That's why I think I love you. And this is going to define how I feel about everyone else, because I don't know if I can be right with someone who I can't talk to about this... I feel too alone.
And now I have to end this. Because it's long, and because I'm tired. My friend is over at my house, and I just had a talk with the guy. By the way, guy, if you read this, I want you to know that I will listen to everything you say, even if I don't agree and even if it hurts me, and I will make it something good. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
2 comments:
thank you that makes me feel really good :) the one thing i know i have to get over is how can someone love me more than i love my own self? but in any case, i'm very grateful (as you know) for your love
i'm not sure if i love you more than you love yourself.... but maybe i admire and like things about you that it's hard for you to notice. i remember the things you said about your insecurities, and i'll be here if you wanna talk about that again... or i'll be here if you don't wanna talk. anyways, you might have to love yourself before you can love someone else... so i guess you should think about that before you say the l-word again
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