the cool cliche

let's elope to san tropez
and be the lonely cool cliche
we'll dance on sheets and wooden floor
we have this music, nothing more


your smile lights up my blushing face
i'd rather not be anyplace
but here
where you're near...
your hands are warm
my toes are cold


baby we'll be a little stereotype
and i'll stroke your hair
and you'll hold me tight,
and you'll say my name
so soft and smooth....
and i will write songs
about you...

beautiful yet brief moments

and i'm alone

somewhere, there are clenched fists that shine pale in the moonlight

somewhere, there are the warm sighs of lovers

and i am alone

"Bluish" ~Animal Collective

When you claw me like a cat, I'm beaming 
I like the way you squeeze my hand 
Pulling me into another dream, 
A lucid dream. 

I'm getting lost in your curls 
I'm getting crushed out on the things 
that only I should see 
not for boys, they're just for me 
Hurry to talk, from far away 

Put on the dress that I like 
It makes me so crazy, though I can't say why 
Keep on your stockings for a while 
Some kind of magic in the way you're lying there 

life is priceless, talk is cheap

I really don't feel poetic tonight, but I definitely feel like I have something to say...

Tonight was amazing... and not amazing in a completely good way, just amazing because I realized things about myself I never even thought of before... The thing is, what if you had a refuge from that one thing about yourself you absolutely hated? The one thing that tears you up inside. If you could forget, I'm positive you would jump at the chance. And I'm not sure who you are, reader, but if you're anything like me, you would become obsessed with this because you feel like it frees you...

Well... the thing that frees me is knowing someone cares about me. And actually, no, not in a completely cliche way... I actually like knowing that someone who I think is beautiful thinks I'm just as beautiful too. And that gives me an opportunity to share some of my favorite lyrics:

"I want to write something beautiful,

Something so beautiful that I just can't sing it

Cause its the only thing I have, it's the only thing that makes my life worthwhile.

So I was watching your eyes, in case they just might say something...

I want to think someone's beautiful, 

That they're so beautiful it's a thrill to be near them,

fill my stomach with butterflies, have me floating on air,

Bring something out of me I didn't even know was there

But it's such a torturous thing, that I am not excited by anyone."

That's exactly how I feel in so many ways.... there have been so many times where I've talked to someone I thought was beautiful- perhaps on the inside, perhaps on the outside- and then I have realized that this person did not shake my heart. They didn't fill me with that passion- maybe even because of a few things they said. 

But... I want to share some things with you reader... right now I'm with this guy... and I'm almost too excited. I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm going to completely destruct this, even though this guy is the only boyfriend who has made me feel less broken in a long, long time. I don't know him perfectly, I guess... but that's one of the things that makes me so excited. I want put your troubles in a little pile, and sort them out for you. I want to make you feel real. All the time, even when you might not be thinking about me, guy. And... I will adjust to all these things we talk about, because I care about you. And I think I love you. Scoffing? I hope not... but if you are, here's a Chuck Klosterman quote I think about a lot:

"We all have to potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy.... THere are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. There is always one person you love who becomes that definition, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. They are not inherently different from anyone else, and they're often just the person you meet when you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

~Chuck Klosterman

Klosterman always makes me wonder if I really love the people I love, or if I just love them because they're there. Some of these people are not "inherently different". But... this guy is different. It's not hard to explain why... it's not because of his sweetness, or sense of humor, or really any of those things. It's because my heart is shaken when I read those poems he writes... my heart is completely shaken. And I just want to talk and find out everything about him because of it. I just want to know that he's ok, even if he's angry at me, or doesn't want to talk to me at the moment. That's why I think I love you. And this is going to define how I feel about everyone else, because I don't know if I can be right with someone who I can't talk to about this... I feel too alone.

And now I have to end this. Because it's long, and because I'm tired. My friend is over at my house, and I just had a talk with the guy. By the way, guy, if you read this, I want you to know that I will listen to everything you say, even if I don't agree and even if it hurts me, and I will make it something good. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. 

age quod agis

owned by this, consumed by this

soft swelling beneath my 
eyelids
my head says
you need to go
back
but your pot laced 
face,
crackling hair lain against
my shoulder
a warm reminder in 
the dead of winter,
a cold sip of water
a hot innuendo
my reminder that
i am 
part
of reality
you make me 
real
but then, a faint trace of 
my enigmatic
nightmare
my hand-sewn, bitter dreams
comes rushing back to 
fill the spaces with 
dripping tears
and i curl away
and
i fade
for the 
last
time

not a color yet, not a home anymore

you are branches of a better tree,
a road beyond recognition that i
search for meaning
search for pieces to the endless puzzle 
i struggle to find
my own
soul
the curvature in this pavement
suggests
i may rest, i may try to start again
but i will never reach the end
because this beauty is only
sweet
when you're young
when you don't have to pretend
i might have grown past
that stage
with wilting flowers in
aging hair

i am a little girl
but i still want you to hold me 
in your arms

rat

Read this, you said: 

I never thought I'd die alone 
Days when I still felt alive 
We couldn't wait to get outside 
The world was wide, too late to try 
The tour was over we'd survived 
I couldn't wait till I got home 
To pass the time in my room alone

but..

You won't die alone,

not as long as I'm here to cry when you cry

and hold you  

things

might just be

ok.

beer pong

and maybe the world is supposed to keep turning 
but i don't know what to say 
or if i should stay here with you

i don't know exactly what i should do, but
i'll probably be back to do it again
sometime next week

maybe it's too early for this. but fuck it, i feel it so here it is.

maybe i'm acting this way

cause i don't wanna lose you, maybe

cause i can't get enough of you

maybe i already feel like this is my world

and i'm paranoid

scared that i'm not the right girl

i want to show my shadow and 

we can hide in the dark

move out to the ocean and live in a van

under the stars

all i know now is that you 

make me real

you make me feel your words on the page 

and that's exactly what i wished for

and when we're in your car

drivin straight to nowhere

my lonely hand touches your palm 

and i'm reading scripture

and i'm saved

i'm out of patience for this

shit around me, this pointless 

absence of muse, these

outskirts of misery

we feel each others bones 

like they were were meant to collide

inside,

beneath a blanket

i give you the best poems i've ever read-

the very thing i identified 

first and said

THIS is living

breathing

SAVIOR WRITING 

it makes me feel 

and now i met someone 

who makes me feel without my pen

to the page

snotty comment

if this is a test, then i'm failing- the curve is against me, 
with cold mangled hands i grasp to make ends meet, 
beneath my feet, pavement and the words, 
words i hope you heard.

i'm pounding the keyboard for the wrong reasons tonight
would it kill you to kill me, cuz that'd be alright
every day is a fight, struggle, burned into my past
and i just don't know how much longer through this pain i can last

would it kill you to kill me? 
otherwise i might have to take my foot outta my mouth
hah- see? that's the way it has to be

i might be over-thinking it, when the both of us are online
and i see your adorable picture, wishing you were mine

bunch of cats on my heart just squeezin their claws
kneading with their hangnails,
chalkboard screech across 
if this is what i get, then i gotta get more
the way i feel can he healed when you walk in the door

charlie olson in cat form :)

Indecision at high speeds can be fatal- lyrics

The city people move to the suburbs
And the suburbs spill into the country
But a lotta kids these days deny their birth-right
White kids, ashamed of their parents trunk,
Attempt to abandon their moneyed-ways
They move to the ghettos and the communes
Searching for the guiltlessness of poverty
They wanna sit on the stoop when the night is hot
And not be stuck inside by the AC
They wanna treat their house like a fish tank
They wanna share water with the neighbors when the night is hot
But the struggle that pulls doors off their hinges in a good way
Also leaves a slow murder in the air

All your life you've been waiting for someone to hold you like the day you were born. To look into those eyes and know that we are all the same. And you're so beautiful in every way. I'll be okay...

lyrics by cloud cult & why?

the view, taking in you

I.
this breath is like a fucked up puzzle
with pieces spread
mangled and
torn
on a rusted lawn table, the thick
film of
dying white paint
clutching at 
stiff shards
o! you are broken
this twisting
escape going in
every direction, with
movement as if it could
see
as if it could 
move 
move me to throw away 
everything i 
don't want, but keep in
compounded piles
like dirt beneath fingernails
like this rust on living tables
if there were one sweet
release- 
then let me find it
let me find it in 
you

II.
ha, you wondered where 
the time went
well i'll tell you it 
didn't sift
through piles of 
sweet revenge
the learned population's
smothering
weak beat,
work bent
smiles
that unfed
core that
rots so clearly
before us
that twinges so nearly relaying that
message:
you are unborn 
and as parents we shove you back
to the womb
to cradle your
eyes, from everything we
once 
were
becoming lost in 
thought is nearly the only
escape 
from the twelve-step program you
foster to 
kill us before we could
have the chance
to
live.

your silent voice

i read your poem
the one you put in my pocket
and i'm being honest when
i say
i can't tell you
what i thought

i read your poem
with my lazy, sleepy eyes
you told me exactly 
how things were
and i felt
nothing

i'm looking for
the poet
whose inner voice catches my heart
by the sleeve, and 
pulls me under its 
warm coat, on a cold night
i've never had those
sweet moments with you
we can't talk about everything
that ever crossed our minds

i touched your jacket and
brushed your hair from your face,
but i still felt lonely when 
you were there

so i sent you a reply,
on a poem i otherwise would have kept
sacred.