maybe they'll leave you alone

teenagers scare the shit outta me, cause every day i see a new one crawl down the ladder and into some deep- but surely profound- darkness.

their hands don't shake from sympathy, they don't even smirk in apathy it's a pale unhappy scent, like a prostitute who reads Nietzche but can't understand.

yeah that's the kind of scalding breath of ecstasy i watch for, a crumpled body reading about why everything is equal to nothing, living dead by my front door, 

washed out faces, dirty places, no one needs anything from you anymore.

PSEO start of an essay

Sitting down and asking, "Who do I want to be?" had usually never been a very difficult question. Of course, I wanted to be a lawyer. Both my parents were lawyers. It makes sense that I should be one too, I'm surely gifted in that respect. Then, throughout a process in which I needed several years to grasp the concept, I realized that the transcendentalist within me was crying out at the notion of law school wiping out my creative writing talents and forcing me into 9-5 slavery. The first step in asking myself what I really needed to become was counting the times in your life when I felt truly self-worthy. Perhaps for you it was when you recieved a foster child's photo and realized that your help was making that person stronger. Or maybe it was when, after months of practice, your fifth grade teacher congratulated you on your exemplary multiplication skills. Yes, both of these have happened to me, but the final question, and answer, is what do I want to be? A writer.

It feels kind of self-deprecating to write about why I want to be a writer, because I'm trying to explain what I think I do best with the thing I believe I do best. Frankly, that leaves a lot of room for pompousity to set in if I allowed it to. But I'm not going to say I'm the greatest poet since Charles Bukowski, because that leaves me in a horrible position to have to live up to that, and deal with the fact that I propounded myself as greater than I really am. Being humble is no virtue in my eyes- to some degree it's even more ostentatious than the alternative. I can recall plenty of times where people would have you think they were selfless and caring, only to reveal later on that they only acted this way because they wanted the sweet reputation of being this way so they might lord it over you, feeling superior. Anyways, although I can say I'm a better writer than your average American angst ridden teenager, that's not much of an accomplishment to throw in peoples' faces.

dammit

sometimes i mix up my words.

and then i feel like a failure.

and then i want to punch someone in the ovaries. then i would succeed in life.

moby dicks

books
surrounded by books
and here are the pounding heartbeats
of students marching
away
they melt off the windshield like
frozen snow, they
curse, they complain,
but they all just... go...

in the end, i wait
wait for my escape

crushed by the bulging masses

hey charlie...

the cool cliche

let's elope to san tropez
and be the lonely cool cliche
we'll dance on sheets and wooden floor
we have this music, nothing more


your smile lights up my blushing face
i'd rather not be anyplace
but here
where you're near...
your hands are warm
my toes are cold


baby we'll be a little stereotype
and i'll stroke your hair
and you'll hold me tight,
and you'll say my name
so soft and smooth....
and i will write songs
about you...

beautiful yet brief moments

and i'm alone

somewhere, there are clenched fists that shine pale in the moonlight

somewhere, there are the warm sighs of lovers

and i am alone

"Bluish" ~Animal Collective

When you claw me like a cat, I'm beaming 
I like the way you squeeze my hand 
Pulling me into another dream, 
A lucid dream. 

I'm getting lost in your curls 
I'm getting crushed out on the things 
that only I should see 
not for boys, they're just for me 
Hurry to talk, from far away 

Put on the dress that I like 
It makes me so crazy, though I can't say why 
Keep on your stockings for a while 
Some kind of magic in the way you're lying there 

life is priceless, talk is cheap

I really don't feel poetic tonight, but I definitely feel like I have something to say...

Tonight was amazing... and not amazing in a completely good way, just amazing because I realized things about myself I never even thought of before... The thing is, what if you had a refuge from that one thing about yourself you absolutely hated? The one thing that tears you up inside. If you could forget, I'm positive you would jump at the chance. And I'm not sure who you are, reader, but if you're anything like me, you would become obsessed with this because you feel like it frees you...

Well... the thing that frees me is knowing someone cares about me. And actually, no, not in a completely cliche way... I actually like knowing that someone who I think is beautiful thinks I'm just as beautiful too. And that gives me an opportunity to share some of my favorite lyrics:

"I want to write something beautiful,

Something so beautiful that I just can't sing it

Cause its the only thing I have, it's the only thing that makes my life worthwhile.

So I was watching your eyes, in case they just might say something...

I want to think someone's beautiful, 

That they're so beautiful it's a thrill to be near them,

fill my stomach with butterflies, have me floating on air,

Bring something out of me I didn't even know was there

But it's such a torturous thing, that I am not excited by anyone."

That's exactly how I feel in so many ways.... there have been so many times where I've talked to someone I thought was beautiful- perhaps on the inside, perhaps on the outside- and then I have realized that this person did not shake my heart. They didn't fill me with that passion- maybe even because of a few things they said. 

But... I want to share some things with you reader... right now I'm with this guy... and I'm almost too excited. I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm going to completely destruct this, even though this guy is the only boyfriend who has made me feel less broken in a long, long time. I don't know him perfectly, I guess... but that's one of the things that makes me so excited. I want put your troubles in a little pile, and sort them out for you. I want to make you feel real. All the time, even when you might not be thinking about me, guy. And... I will adjust to all these things we talk about, because I care about you. And I think I love you. Scoffing? I hope not... but if you are, here's a Chuck Klosterman quote I think about a lot:

"We all have to potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy.... THere are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. There is always one person you love who becomes that definition, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. They are not inherently different from anyone else, and they're often just the person you meet when you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

~Chuck Klosterman

Klosterman always makes me wonder if I really love the people I love, or if I just love them because they're there. Some of these people are not "inherently different". But... this guy is different. It's not hard to explain why... it's not because of his sweetness, or sense of humor, or really any of those things. It's because my heart is shaken when I read those poems he writes... my heart is completely shaken. And I just want to talk and find out everything about him because of it. I just want to know that he's ok, even if he's angry at me, or doesn't want to talk to me at the moment. That's why I think I love you. And this is going to define how I feel about everyone else, because I don't know if I can be right with someone who I can't talk to about this... I feel too alone.

And now I have to end this. Because it's long, and because I'm tired. My friend is over at my house, and I just had a talk with the guy. By the way, guy, if you read this, I want you to know that I will listen to everything you say, even if I don't agree and even if it hurts me, and I will make it something good. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.