*number* time's the charm

i always knew
somehow, i could hear the whisper

he will break your heart

i could waste time asking why and
searching for a pulse
i could waste time asking you why
and digging up threads and seams
that just
end

maybe, even better,
i can make my body swell
with love and grief
and try to forget you and all the others
happened

it's a kind of dreaded cycle
i'm still on rinse and repeat

easy on the eyes

i need a storage bin for my wiped out soul

my dirty, spinning mind has tumbled out of control

i've been waiting for it to hit me:

i want this. i want to be better.

but the ball swings toward my face 

and then quickly

drops away

you were the flash of sun, burning hot

gristle

strong arms, weak in the knees

now i'm left alone 

and i want it to hit me

who the fuck am i?

i thought i knew

but i realized somehow that i defined myself with you

lay me down & don't give in

you whispered, cat

we would lay there with a blanket

and nothing else mattered

it's all dust 

silt on life's gleaming dashboard

you thought yourself out

with tumbling words 

shitfaced excuses

all week,

i thought about

you

you

made me feel beautiful

now i am ugly and alone

maybe you think you can find

another me

another girl who will stroke 

your smooth chest,

and make you smile when you couldn't 

dream of it

meet another girl who sends you love poems,

who writes notes to you,

another girl who loves you 

so unconditionally

who wants to make you happy

make things work. 

maybe you're right,

but i've never met a girl like that

except one

i don't know who i can talk to now

7:o4 am

what a shit time to be awake

my eyes are puffy 

cramping up

shaking hands

don't want to eat

tears filling my eyes

i can't get anything out of this yet